How to get over a breakup: the first 72 hours, the first week, the first month

Who this page is for

Adults in the United States whose relationship has just ended, whoever ended it. If you searched how to deal with a breakup, how to get over heartbreak or simply what to do after a breakup, this is the starting page. How we choose and read sources is on our about page.

What it hands to our other pages

Five questions have their own pages: how long recovery takes and what those numbers rest on, what the no contact rule is, whether silence is "working", why you miss your ex, and what a rebound relationship is.

Decisions that can wait a month

Grief makes urgent what is not urgent. Quitting a job, moving cities, a long message that settles everything, a tattoo, a new relationship by Friday: all of these will still be available in four weeks. Write the idea down with the date and look again then.

Accepting that it is over, for today

Acceptance is not a single decision. In a related analysis of 58 young adults, Sbarra found acceptance of the ending was part of the route to recovering from sadness, while more love and anger went with a lower chance of that recovery in the four weeks studied. You cannot force it, but you can stop arguing the case tonight and act, for one day, as if the answer is final.

Crying a lot, not crying, feeling nothing

All three are ordinary. People search how to stop crying after a breakup and also why am I not sad after a breakup. Sbarra and Emery's diaries recorded relief next to sadness and anger. Feeling flat or relieved does not mean you never cared. We found no study showing that crying more, or less, changes how recovery goes.

Your phone tonight

Mute their profiles and the chat thread, nothing more. Deleting photos, blocking and unfollowing are covered under social media and can wait until you have slept.

Why plan at all when you feel this bad

In the 28-day diary study, people whose relationship had just ended showed more emotional volatility than people still in relationships, "especially immediately following the breakup". A plan does not shrink the feeling. It gives a bad afternoon a list to follow.

If you cannot take any time off

Most people cannot. Shrink the plan: the day's job takes fifteen minutes. The work section has wording for a manager.

Love, sadness and anger fade on different schedules

In Sbarra and Emery's 28-day diaries, love for the ex declined steadily. Sadness, anger and relief moved in curves. So a week in which you feel less sad and much angrier is not a step backward; the feelings move separately. Our page on duration explains why "stages" are a loose description and not a schedule.

Poor sleep and intrusive thoughts belong to the picture

In Field's sample of 192 students, the high-distress group scored higher on intrusive thoughts, on difficulty controlling them, on sleep disturbance, and on depression and anxiety scales. Distress was higher when the breakup was recent, sudden, and not the person's own choice. These were university students answering questionnaires. It tells you these go together, not how long they last. If the thoughts are the hardest part, see what helps with thoughts of an ex that keep returning.

Part of how you describe yourself went with them

Couples share friends, routines, even the word "we". In three studies by Slotter, Gardner and Finkel, people after a breakup had a less clear sense of who they were, and that loss of clarity predicted emotional distress in its own right. This is why the first-month section is mostly about rebuilding your own week.

When your chest hurts or you feel sick

People ask why does my heart hurt after a breakup, why they cannot eat, how to stop feeling sick. We are not able to tell you by web page what is causing tightness, nausea or a missing appetite. Chest pain that is severe, new, or comes with shortness of breath is a medical question: call your doctor, or 911 if it feels like an emergency.

Sleep: protect the schedule, not the quality

The CDC recommends 7 or more hours a night for adults aged 18 to 60. This week you may not get them. What you control is the frame, and the CDC's list is short: go to bed and get up at the same time every day, turn off devices at least 30 minutes before bedtime, avoid caffeine in the afternoon and evening, avoid large meals and alcohol before bed. Drinking alone to fall asleep goes against that list, and it is the hour when regrettable messages get sent.

When you cannot eat

"Why can't I eat after a breakup" is something people search, and we found no study that answers it for breakups. Practically: stop waiting for hunger. Eat small amounts at fixed times, favor things that go down easily, and drink water. If you have barely eaten for a week, or have a history of an eating disorder, tell a doctor.

Movement and mood: what the CDC says

The CDC's summary of the benefits of physical activity says some benefits for the brain arrive right after a session of moderate-to-vigorous activity, including reduced short-term feelings of anxiety in adults; regular activity can lower the risk of depression and help you sleep better. The long-run target is 150 minutes a week of moderate activity. This week, a brisk walk counts.

Two or three people, told properly

Pick people who listen more than they fix. Tell them what you need, because they cannot guess: "I need to say the same things several times this week. You do not have to solve it." Admitting you are not fine is the entire message. A breakup is also a fair reason to write to a trusted friend who has drifted out of touch.

How to deal with a breakup alone

Some people have no friends nearby, or a partner who was the whole social world. Then structure stands in for company: fixed mealtimes, a daily errand that involves a human being, a class or volunteer shift with a start time. If you can afford it, this is a good moment for a counselor.

Feeling lonely after a breakup

We found no researched formula for how to deal with loneliness after a breakup, and one finding worth knowing: in Larson and Sbarra's nine-week study of recently separated young adults, a clearer sense of self went with falling loneliness among the 120 assessed most often. The shape of your days is the part you can work on.

Giving stuff back: what is known about the psychology

People search "giving stuff back after a breakup psychology" hoping the exchange carries a meaning. We found no study of returning belongings after a breakup. The nearest evidence: in Sbarra and Emery's diaries, contact with a former partner slowed the decline of love and sadness. So treat the handover as logistics and keep it short.

One handover, not five

Collect everything of theirs into one bag or box. Propose a single exchange, with a time limit, or a drop-off with a friend or at a front desk.

Photos, gifts and mementos

Box them and put the box somewhere inconvenient: a closet shelf, a friend's garage. We found no trial of hiding reminders, but it is reversible, and destroying things at week one is not. Decide about the box in six months.

If you live together

Agree on three things in writing, even by text: who sleeps where until someone moves, the date by which that happens, and how rent and bills are split until then. If you can, stay with a friend for a few nights. If you do not feel safe negotiating, do not; see getting help. In the study of 1,295 unmarried adults, people who had been cohabiting showed larger drops in life satisfaction after a breakup.

Accounts, passwords and subscriptions

What a study of checking an ex's profile found

Marshall surveyed 464 people online, mostly women and mostly students, about a former partner and Facebook. Those who looked at the ex's page more reported greater current distress, more longing, and less personal growth, even after accounting for offline contact. It is a single survey, taken once, on one platform, so it cannot show which came first: checking may feed the distress, or distress may drive the checking. The practical step is the same either way.

Mute, unfollow or block

Blocking is not rude. If you worry about what it signals, our no-contact page covers the cases where staying reachable is necessary, such as shared children.

Posting about the breakup

Wait two weeks before posting anything about it. If a public note is needed because you were a visible couple, one neutral line is enough: "We have split up. Thanks for giving us both some space."

Old photos, tags and "memories"

Archive, do not delete. Turn off "on this day" reminders for now, and move their photos on your phone into a single album you do not open.

Getting through a workday

Do the tasks with clear edges first: the form, the report, the inbox. Save anything that requires judgment for your best hour. Eat lunch away from your screen. If tears arrive, take a five-minute walk to the farthest restroom.

We found no research on work performance after a non-marital breakup. Plan for less than usual.

If you work together

Agree on a rule in one short conversation or message: at work you talk about work. Sit elsewhere in meetings when you can. Keep private talks off company chat. If one of you manages the other, if there is any pressure or retaliation, or if you are afraid of them, skip the conversation: that is a matter for HR, and for getting help.

Same campus, gym or friend group

You cannot avoid them completely, so decide the script in advance: a nod, "hi", keep walking. Shift your own schedule where it is cheap, such as a different gym hour or another library floor. You do not have to give up your places.

What studies of contact found

Two findings, each with caveats. In the 28-day diary study of young adults, contact with the former partner slowed the decline of love and sadness. And when Mason and colleagues studied 137 adults after a recent marital separation, those in contact who had not accepted it were worse adjusted than those in contact who had; among those who had accepted it, contact went with better adjustment. So contact is not poison. Whether it hurts seems to depend on how far you have accepted the ending. Mason's sample was married adults a few months into a separation, surveyed once, not dating couples.

The diary finding is the reasoning behind a period of silence. See how long no contact usually lasts, what the evidence says about whether it helps, and what to do if you already broke it.

Staying friends

Possible later, hard now. A friendship offered in the first week is often a way to soften the ending. In Marshall's survey, people who stayed Facebook friends with an ex reported less longing but also less personal growth. A fair answer to "can we be friends?" is: "Maybe. Ask me in three months." The same caution covers sleeping together one last time: it tends to reopen the question, and it complicates anything new that either of you starts.

Getting back together after a breakup

Some couples do reunite, and we cannot tell you whether yours will. Silence used as a tactic to get someone back is a different thing from space taken for your own sake, and we do not recommend the first. If reconciliation is on your mind, read about reaching out honestly before sending anything. If they hurt, threatened or controlled you, none of this applies; see getting help.

Wondering what they feel

Searches like "when do guys start to miss you after a breakup" assume there is a clock inside the other person. No data can read one individual's mind, whatever their gender. We go through what the usual "signs" are worth on a separate page, and through whether to tell an ex you miss them.

Journaling and the unsent letter

Writing about feelings is common advice, and the evidence is mixed. In a trial with 90 adults after a marital separation, those who were already searching hard for meaning did worse over the following months when assigned expressive writing than when assigned neutral control writing. If writing leaves you calmer, keep writing, with a time limit. If it turns into another hour of circling, switch to a factual log: what you did, what you ate, when you slept. The same goes for an unsent letter: write it once and do not send it.

Self-blame and "what if"

Responsibility is specific: "I stopped listening when they talked about work." Self-blame is global: "I ruin everything." The first can be learned from, the second cannot. "What if" questions have no answers, which is why they repeat. When one starts, name it ("that is a what-if") and return to whatever is in front of you. More on this under why the mind keeps going back.

Closure

How to get closure after a breakup is often a question about one more conversation, and the other person may have no reason that satisfies. Our guide to whether closure needs the other person goes through both answers. The version within reach is your own written account of what happened, one you can live with.

Meditation and mindfulness

Widely recommended, and we found no trial of meditation for breakup recovery to cite. If you already practice, keep going. If sitting still with your thoughts makes things worse this month, walk instead.

Put the week back together

Shared routines leave holes: Sunday mornings, the 6pm phone call, the show you watched together. Fill each with something specific, however small. People asking how to move on after a breakup often expect an inner shift; in practice, moving on after a breakup is mostly a calendar that no longer has their name in it.

One thing that is only yours

A class, a route, a project, a trip, a playlist. We found no study testing hobbies or travel after a breakup. The reasoning leans on the self-concept findings: anything started after the breakup has no memory of them in it. Do some of it alone, such as a meal out or a movie. Solitude feels like a symptom at first and can become a skill.

How to glow up after a breakup, honestly

A haircut, the gym and better clothes are fine things to want. Check who the audience is. If the plan depends on your ex seeing the result, it keeps them at the center of your month.

How to rebuild confidence after a breakup

Keep small promises to yourself: the walk you said you would take, the email you said you would send. A month of kept promises is a record you can point to.

What growth research found

Lewandowski and Bizzoco surveyed 155 undergraduates whose relationship had ended within the previous six months. Growth and positive emotions were reported most by people leaving relationships that had offered little room to expand as a person, and the link ran through rediscovering parts of themselves. That does not make your breakup a favor, but finding yourself again is something researchers have recorded.

How to move on from a breakup when the month is over

A month is a planning unit, not a deadline. If you want to know the average time to get over a breakup and why every published figure deserves suspicion, read what the duration studies measured, and how to tell slow from stuck.

You ended it, or believe it was your fault

Ending a relationship does not exempt you from grief. In Field's student sample the non-initiators were more distressed on average, which says nothing about any single initiator. Keep your reasons in writing; on a lonely Sunday you will forget them. If you behaved badly, one clear apology with no request attached is enough.

How to cope with a breakup you did not want

Sudden, unwanted, and from a relationship you rated highly: those conditions went with the most distress in Field's data. So if you are trying to get over a breakup with someone you love, do not read the difficulty as weakness. Give hope a container: a date a few weeks out when you will reconsider, and no contact decisions before then. More under missing an ex you still love.

A long relationship or a marriage

After five or ten years there is more to untangle, and almost all the research on this page is on shorter, non-marital relationships. For divorce, a lawyer or mediator and a counselor are ordinary tools. Our page on duration looks at what tends to make recovery slower, relationship length included.

They cheated, or left for someone else

Feeling betrayed was one of the strongest predictors of distress among Field's students. Do not investigate; you cannot unlearn the details. And if you were sexually exposed, a health check is a practical matter, not a humiliation.

What to do after a breakup for guys

The same things, with one extra instruction: tell someone. Articles on male psychology after a breakup make large claims about men grieving late or differently, on thin data. In Field's sample women scored higher on breakup distress, but a questionnaire cannot separate feeling less from reporting less.

Signs that this is more than a breakup

The National Institute of Mental Health states that a diagnosis of depression requires symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for at least 2 weeks. Its list includes a persistent sad or empty mood, hopelessness, loss of interest in activities, trouble sleeping or oversleeping, appetite changes, and difficulty concentrating. Some of these can appear briefly after a breakup. The signal is persistence, or being unable to work, eat or look after yourself. Panic attacks, heavy drinking, or a month with no easing at all are also reasons to see a doctor or a licensed therapist.

Therapy after a breakup

You do not need a diagnosis to go. Therapy after a breakup offers a place to say everything once a week so it does not spill into every other hour, and help spotting patterns you would like not to repeat. If cost is the barrier, ask about sliding-scale fees, check whether your employer has an assistance program, or look at community clinics and university training clinics.

If the relationship was abusive

If your ex hurt, threatened, stalked or controlled you, the advice elsewhere on this page about polite handovers and friendly nods does not apply. You do not owe contact. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and open 24/7: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. Advocates there can help you make a personal safety plan.

The short version for a helper

Say less than you think you should. Acknowledge what happened, ask which kind of help they want, and make one specific offer with a day attached. Then come back to it a few weeks later. Our separate guide covers what to say to a friend, by situation and how to keep showing up in the weeks after.

If you are a parent, or you are worried

For an adult son or daughter the same rules hold, plus one: keep your opinion of the ex to yourself and never contact the ex. The guide has a section for parents and one on what to do when it looks like more than sadness. If they talk about not wanting to be alive, do not wait: call or text 988 with them. See also when to talk to a professional.

There is no correct number of weeks. There are better and worse reasons.

What one large study noticed

Among the 1,295 unmarried adults followed by Rhoades and colleagues, those who had begun dating someone new showed smaller declines in life satisfaction after a breakup. That is an association. People who feel better may simply date sooner. It is not evidence that a new partner is a cure.

If your ex is already dating

It says nothing about your worth or what the relationship was. Mute harder. Our page on missing an ex has a section for this: when your ex has someone new.