How long does it take to get over a breakup? What the numbers are based on

What "over it" means on this page

We use three markers. Feeling better: sadness and anger down to where they were before. Functioning: sleep, work and friendships back to normal. Detached: your ex is someone you used to know. A page that gives one number is choosing one of them without telling you.

Who this page is for, and what sits elsewhere

Adults after a breakup or a divorce who want to know what the evidence supports. For the first days, see our guide to the first week; for contact with your ex, what the no contact rule is; for how we read sources, the about page.

"11 weeks": 155 students, and a question about growth

The figure is credited to Lewandowski and Bizzoco, 2007, in The Journal of Positive Psychology. We could read only the abstract. It describes 155 undergraduates who had been through a breakup in the past six months, and reports more personal growth, tied to more positive emotions, among those whose ended relationship had given them little room to grow.

The abstract reports no follow-up and no recovery time, and it does not contain "11 weeks". That figure appears only in retellings, and they differ: some put the breakups about 11 weeks back on average, a British Psychological Society digest says "in the last 11 weeks", and the author's own later post says "past three months". Either way it is when students were asked, not when they healed.

"3.5 months" and "18 months": a poll paid for by a brand

These come from a 2017 consumer poll by the market research company OnePoll for the food-delivery service Yelp Eat24, not a peer-reviewed study. The original release is no longer online. In the press coverage from February 2017, 2,000 people said it takes six months on average to recover from one breakup. The "18 months" was a lifetime total over three breakups, and the closest figure to 3.5 months was 13.5 weeks before dating someone else.

So the repeated pairing, 3.5 months for a breakup and 18 months for a divorce, does not match the coverage we could open. A separate "18 months after divorce" claim traces to news reports of another website's poll, which we could not find. Either way these are opinions gathered for publicity.

"Half the length of the relationship": no study

We searched PubMed and Europe PMC for any paper that proposes or tests this formula and found none. It is often credited to a television comedy. The studies that looked at length do not support a neat ratio: see what relationship length does and does not predict.

"Three months": diaries and questionnaires from young adults

This one has research behind it, of a limited kind: the two studies above, which ran for 28 days and 10 weeks. A follow-up analysis of the same diaries found that people who still felt more love, more anger or more preoccupation were less likely to reach "sadness recovery" within the 28 days.

These were small samples of young adults, watched for four to ten weeks. "About three months" is where the measuring stopped, not where recovery was shown to finish.

"Four years": attachment, not pain

Chong and Fraley at the University of Illinois surveyed 320 adults (average age 32) whose relationship of more than two years had ended, asking how much they still turned to that ex, in their mind, for comfort and security. Comparing people at different distances from their breakup, the bond was half gone at 4.18 years and eventually matched what people felt for an acquaintance. The former relationships had lasted 4.69 years on average.

It was one survey at one moment, not the same people followed for years. And it measured a residual tie, not suffering. More in our piece on missing an ex years later.

The 72-hour rule, 21 days and other rules without a source

Some pages mention a "72-hour rule" after a breakup. We found no research that defines or tests it, or that supports 21, 30 or 90 days as recovery deadlines. Waiting before you make a big decision or send a message is sensible. Presenting the number as science is not. For rules about contact, see how long no contact should last.

Feeling better is not the same as feeling nothing

How long does it take to get over someone? For "when does the crying stop", the short studies apply and the scale is weeks. For "when do I stop caring what they are doing", the attachment survey applies and the scale is years.

Students are not married adults

Much of the short-timeline evidence comes from undergraduates. A review by Field and colleagues notes that her samples were mostly female psychology students, which limits how far the findings travel. A twelve-year marriage with a mortgage is another event, with its own research, covered below.

"Time since the breakup" is not "time to recover"

Surveys record how long ago the breakup was. In one study of 257 young adults it averaged 21 weeks. Nobody concluded that recovery takes 21 weeks. The "11 weeks" figure looks like the same kind of number, promoted into a finding by retelling.

An average hides the spread

The best US data we found is Rhoades and colleagues in the Journal of Family Psychology. They surveyed 1,295 unmarried adults repeatedly; 473 of them (36.5%) had a breakup within 20 months. Among those breakup cases, psychological distress rose by more than half a standard deviation in 30.7%, fell by that much in 19.6%, and moved by less than half a standard deviation in 49.7%. So how long does it take to heal from a breakup? In about half of the cases there was no rise of that size to recover from. The authors add that they measured only a four-month window and could not say how long the changes last.

What studies found about length

Older studies of dating couples link longer relationships to more distress. In Simpson's 1987 study, people who had dated longer, felt closer and saw fewer alternatives were more upset about three months later. In the study of 257 young adults, duration and commitment went with more distress.

In Rhoades's larger US sample, relationships had lasted from 1 to 168 months, and length was not significantly related to the drop in life satisfaction. What did matter: having lived together and having had plans to marry.

A short relationship that hurts a lot

Someone who dated for three months can be flattened for longer than the relationship lasted. Closeness and how suddenly it ended both showed up as predictors in the studies cited on this page, and neither needs years to build.

A long-term relationship and a shared home

After several years, the breakup is also a move, a division of belongings, sometimes a change of friends. Our home page has practical notes on dividing belongings and a shared home and on getting through work in the meantime.

With kids

Shared children mean contact cannot end. In a study of 122 recently separated adults, more in-person contact with an ex predicted higher distress two months later, but only for people without children. For co-parents the link was not there. See the exceptions to no contact for how people handle it.

Kübler-Ross and dying patients

The five stages come from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's 1969 book On Death and Dying. A 2017 review by Stroebe, Schut and Boerner describes the book as documenting "her observations of adjustment among dying patients", drawn from contact with "over two hundred dying patients" and not from systematic study. They described people facing their own death, and were later applied to the bereaved, then to every kind of loss, including the stages of grief breakup articles now list.

The one large test of the stage theory

In 2007, Maciejewski and colleagues published the Yale Bereavement Study in JAMA: 233 people in Connecticut, interviewed from 1 to 24 months after a family member died of natural causes. Each feeling peaked in the predicted order: disbelief at one month, yearning at four, anger at five, depression at six. But acceptance was the most common response at every point, and yearning, not disbelief, was the dominant negative feeling throughout.

What critics say

Stroebe and colleagues argue the theory "should be discarded by all concerned", citing "the absence of sound empirical evidence". Their sharpest point is about harm: "the expectation that bereaved persons will, even should, go through stages of grieving can be harmful to those who do not."

How much of this is about breakups

Almost none. The Yale study and the critiques cover deaths. We found no study that tracked people after a breakup and tested whether they pass through five stages of grief in order. When a page lists the 5 stages of grief breakup readers supposedly go through, it is borrowing twice: from the dying to the bereaved, and from the bereaved to you.

Why a breakup can still feel like grief

Field's research team built its Breakup Distress Scale by adapting a questionnaire for grief after a death, and high scorers also reported intrusive thoughts and disturbed sleep. It is fine to grieve. You have lost a person, a routine and a future you had pictured.

The 7 stages of a breakup, and who wrote them

The seven-step version (some pages title it the 7 stages of grief breakup model) appears to start with a 2014 blog post. Its additions, "relapse" and "redirected hope", describe things that happen: people go back, and people start hoping for something else. We found no test of the order.

What are the stages of a breakup, and how many are there?

As many as the author chose. Breakup stages have not been established by research. The phases of a breakup you read about are a writer's way of organizing common feelings.

Do the stages come in order?

We found no evidence that they do after a breakup. The diary study reported curved paths for sadness and anger, with "more emotional volatility, especially immediately following the breakup", and different people starting from different points. Stages after a breakup overlap: you can feel several in one afternoon.

How long each stage lasts

We found no measured duration for any stage of a breakup, so any breakup timeline in days or months is invented. The nearest real figures are from bereavement: in the Yale study the negative feelings all peaked within about six months of the death. That is a fact about bereaved relatives in Connecticut, not about you.

The hardest stage

Some pages name depression or "relapse". In the studies, the roughest stretch is the beginning: distress is highest right after the split and in people for whom less time has passed. If you are in the first weeks, you are likely in the worst of it now; see our notes on getting through the first week.

Grieving before it ends

Lucas's panel shows something like this for marriages: satisfaction falls as the divorce approaches. We found no study that shows the same for dating breakups. If the relationship was fading for a while, the stages of getting over a breakup may have started before the last conversation.

Stages of a breakup for a man

We found no study that describes distinct stages of a breakup for a man, or stages of breakup for guys as a group, and none that timed how long does it take a man to get over a breakup. In an internet survey of more than 5,000 people, reactions to a breakup were linked to attachment style. In the two studies described next, women reported somewhat more distress than men. Lower reported distress is not faster recovery, and nothing here supports the idea that men feel it weeks later on a fixed delay.

Stages of a breakup for a woman

Stages of a breakup for a woman are not a research finding either. Women scored higher on the Breakup Distress Scale in Field's 192 students, and in a study of 193 people by Perilloux and Buss women reported more negative emotions, especially sadness, confusion and fear. Whether heartbreak lasts longer for a woman or a man has not been measured over time in any study we could verify.

Dumper and dumpee

Being left hurts more. Students who did not initiate the breakup had higher distress; rejected partners reported more depression, lost self-esteem and rumination; and in a German panel covering 3,734 separations, initiator status was among the strongest predictors of fewer negative emotions.

If you ended it

Leaving does not exempt you. The same German data found that its predictors explained guilt less well than other emotions, and Perilloux and Buss found that the one who leaves pays a social price, being seen by others as cruel. Feeling wrecked after ending it does not mean the decision was wrong.

Anxious attachment breakup stages

People high in attachment anxiety, who worry about being abandoned, do have a recognizable pattern. In the 5,000-person survey it went with more preoccupation with the lost partner, more extreme distress, exaggerated attempts to get back together, angry behavior and using alcohol or drugs to cope. That is a tendency, not a sequence of anxious attachment breakup stages. If it sounds like you, read our page on intrusive thoughts about an ex.

Fearful avoidant breakup stages

Some pages describe detailed fearful avoidant breakup stages: relief, then a crash weeks later. We found no study that shows that timeline. What exists: attachment avoidance was weakly linked to less distress and strongly to self-reliant coping, and in two samples of 411 and 465 people avoidance went with less personal growth afterward, apparently because distress was held down. Fearful attachment went with more distress in the 257-person study. This research cannot tell you what an ex "must be feeling by week six"; see what you can and cannot know about their side.

Not being the one who chose it

Covered above. In Eastwick's study, people who "played less of a role in initiating the breakup" expected to be far more devastated than they turned out to be.

Sudden endings and betrayal

Field's high-distress students were more likely to say the breakup was sudden and unexpected and that they felt rejected and betrayed. Feeling betrayed was one of the strongest predictors in her analysis. No study we could verify gives a separate timeline for getting over a breakup after being cheated on.

Attachment anxiety and past history

Anxiety about abandonment is described above. Low mood matters too: depression scores were among the most important predictors of breakup distress in Field's students. If you were already low before the breakup, line up support early.

Staying in contact, and watching from a distance

Sbarra and Emery found that contact with a former partner "slowed the decline for love and sadness". In a survey of 464 people by Marshall, checking an ex's Facebook page went with more distress, more longing and less personal growth.

People who hurt more may also check more. Still, it is a predictor you can often change. The how is on our pages about handling social media after a breakup and whether no contact works.

Rumination, and the limits of journaling

In a study of 231 young adults, brooding and regret went with worse adjustment, while reflection, thinking in order to understand, went with better. Rumination largely explained why anxious people did worse.

One trial should make you cautious about journaling. Sbarra and colleagues assigned 90 adults after a marital separation to expressive writing or a neutral writing task. Among those already searching hard for meaning, the expressive writers did worse up to nine months later. If writing about it leaves you more wound up, stop.

Losing track of who you are

Slotter, Gardner and Finkel found that people had a less clear sense of who they were after a breakup, and that this loss of clarity predicted distress. In an eight-week study, poorer recovery of the self-concept came before poorer well-being, not after.

A new relationship

Students who "had not yet found a new relationship" were more distressed. Brumbaugh and Fraley found people in new relationships felt more confident and more resolved about their ex, and Spielmann and colleagues found that for anxiously attached people, focusing on someone new loosened the tie to the old partner.

The catch is direction: people who feel better may simply date sooner. Nothing here says to hurry. More in our guide to what a rebound relationship is and how long rebounds tend to last.

Simply being asked about it

Larson and Sbarra had 210 recently separated young adults come in either four times over nine weeks or only at the start and end. The group that was asked about their breakup more often regained a clearer sense of self.

Time itself

In three of the studies cited here, time since the breakup was among the strongest predictors of less distress.

Advice with nothing behind it

We looked for research on "keeping busy", travel, cold showers and dopamine detoxes after a breakup and found none, and none for the claim that mindset alone speeds healing.

One of the few results about breakups that is plainly good news.

What students predicted and what happened

Eastwick and colleagues asked 69 Northwestern freshmen in relationships, every two weeks, how upset they would be if it ended. Over six months, 26 of them did break up. Their real distress was lower than their forecast at the time of the breakup and at 2, 6 and 10 weeks after. They predicted the fading correctly and overestimated how bad the start would be.

The people who were most in love made the largest errors. If you are in the first week and certain you will never be all right, that certainty is the forecast, and the forecast has a known bias.

Bad days after good weeks

The diary data showed love declining steadily, with emotional volatility around it, most of all right after the breakup. A bad Tuesday in month two does not reset anything. Birthdays, shared places and news of your ex are predictable triggers; our page on why you miss your ex explains what happens when a wave arrives.

The limit of this finding

Twenty-six college freshmen at one university. It may not hold for a marriage.

Small shifts come first

In Larson and Sbarra's study, one sign of improvement was using fewer "we" words when describing the separation. If you want milestones, use these, not dates.

Forgiveness is optional

Some stage lists end with forgiving your ex. Nothing in the research we read makes it a requirement for recovery.

"Completely" over it

People ask how long it takes to get over a breakup completely, or fully. The attachment survey suggests the last traces fade over years, and for some people a faint remnant stays. You can be well, in love with someone else and still feel a brief pang at a photograph. More where we discuss missing an ex while with a new partner.

Still love them

Love declined in a straight line in the diary study, so still loving someone weeks later is no surprise. It is not a signal about what they feel, a question our page on what "working" could even mean takes apart.

What "taking long" looks like

You still think about them most days. But compared with a month ago something has moved: you sleep better, or you laughed at dinner, or you went a day without checking. You work, eat and see people. This can go on for many months after a long relationship.

What "stuck" looks like

No change over a couple of months, or a slide backward. Days organized around your ex: checking, rereading, rehearsing. Work, sleep or friendships giving way. Drinking more to get through evenings. Ignore "not moving through the stages", since the stages are not real steps. These signs count.

When low mood is depression

In a study of 1,470 older adolescents, a recent breakup predicted a first onset of major depression. The National Institute of Mental Health gives the marker: symptoms "most of the day, nearly every day, for at least 2 weeks", such as persistent sadness, loss of interest, sleep and appetite changes, and trouble concentrating. If that describes you, NIMH's advice is to talk to a health care provider.

How long does breakup depression last? We found no study that timed it. Depression is treatable, and waiting it out is not the recommended approach.

Is "complicated grief" a diagnosis for breakups?

Not formally. Prolonged grief disorder is defined around yearning for someone who has died and is assessed a year or more after the death. The closer fit for a breakup is adjustment disorder. MedlinePlus, from the National Library of Medicine, lists "divorce or problems with a relationship" among its triggers, says symptoms most often begin within 3 months, and says the problem "usually does not last longer than 6 months, unless the stressor continues to be present". Only a clinician can say whether a label applies, and you do not need one to ask for help.

Does therapy help?

We found little research on therapy specifically for breakups. There is strong evidence for treating depression and anxiety, whatever set them off. A therapist can also do what the studies point to: interrupt brooding, help you rebuild a sense of self, and plan around contact.

We found no study that sets a waiting period. The research on new relationships, summarized above, does not show that starting sooner does harm.

What the research says about timing

In Rhoades's US sample, in 36% of the breakups people were already dating someone new by the next survey, and they showed smaller drops in life satisfaction. Among people in new relationships, Brumbaugh and Fraley found that starting sooner went with better, not worse, well-being. Both findings are correlational. We found no data behind "wait half as long as you dated" or "wait three months".

A better test than a waiting period

Ask what you want a date to do. If the answer is "show my ex" or "stop me feeling this", it will not, and the other person deserves better. If the answer is "I am curious about someone", the calendar is irrelevant. Our rebound page goes through how to tell whether you are ready to date again and the signs that a new relationship is a rebound.