How to get over a divorce: what studies of life after divorce found

What counts as being over it

Not forgetting, and not feeling nothing. The studies below measure ordinary things: satisfaction with life, sleep, loneliness, how often the separation intrudes on the day. To get over a divorce, in those terms, is for these to return to something like your own normal.

Who the studies followed

Mostly people who had been married to someone of the other sex, in the United States, Germany, Australia, Switzerland and the Netherlands. One large US study we cite dropped 54 respondents in same-sex unions from its sample. If you are outside those groups, treat every number here as a rough guide.

What we leave to an attorney

Filing, custody, support, property, name changes, taxes and insurance are legal and financial questions for an attorney or adviser in your state, and you will find none of that here. Our about page explains how we choose sources and what we do not publish.

The five stages of divorce grief, and where they came from

11 of the 18 pages name Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Her five stages described people who were dying. A 2017 review by Stroebe, Schut and Boerner says her book "documented her observations of adjustment among dying patients" and was not built on systematic study. We tell that story in full under where the five stages of grief came from.

What a test of stage theory found, in bereavement

A well-known test interviewed 233 bereaved people in Connecticut over the two years after a death. Feelings peaked in roughly the predicted order, yet acceptance was the most frequently endorsed response throughout, and yearning, not disbelief, was the dominant negative one. Stroebe and colleagues argue stage theory "should be discarded by all concerned", partly because expecting stages "can be harmful to those who do not" go through them.

We found no study that validated stages for divorce

Both papers above are about deaths. We looked for a study that followed people after a divorce and tested whether the stages of grief in divorce arrive in a set order, and found none.

Stages of divorce for a man, for a woman, for the initiator

Search tools estimate about 100 searches a month for "stages of divorce for a man" and 150 for "stages of divorce for a woman". We found no study showing a separate sequence for either, or for the partner who filed. What does differ between these groups has been measured in other ways: see men and women and who made the decision.

Lists with dates on them

One ranking page ties its six stages to the calendar: a three-week blur, three months, one year, two years. We found no dataset behind it. The figures that do exist are under where the popular recovery numbers come from.

Who writes the lists

9 of the 18 pages that count stages were published by a law firm, a mediation practice or a legal service. That does not make them wrong.

The German panel: down before, partly back after

Per its abstract, Richard Lucas's study found that satisfaction "drops as one approaches divorce and then gradually rebounds over time". People who would later divorce were also less happy than those who stayed married before either group had married. How long the climb takes is the subject of our section on divorce timelines; we found no study that gives a number of months.

Three paths, and the most common one

We could read only the abstract of Mancini, Bonanno and Clark's paper. It says "the modal response across events was a relatively flat trajectory". The percentages come from Sbarra's review: nearly 72% resilient and 19% on a "moderate-decreasing" path.

The reanalysis that came out differently

Infurna and Luthar reran the model on the same panel. With the earlier assumptions they also found a large steady group. When they let the groups differ in how much people vary, it shrank to 36%. Their point is about method: any "rate of resilience" depends on the analyst's choices.

Divorce and health: a 23% average and who carries it

The meta-analysis by Sbarra, Law and Portley also found the added risk was greater for men and for younger adults. Sbarra reads his own number as an average pulled up by the minority who fare badly, while the most common outcome is "a fairly quick return to life as normal". An association does not show that divorce causes the risk.

Does life get better after divorce?

In the German data, on average, yes: it improves from the low point, though not always to the earlier level. Paul Amato's review adds, in its abstract, that divorce benefits some people. His 2010 review notes the field's move to national samples followed over time.

Writing about it: a trial with a warning in it

Sbarra and colleagues randomly assigned 90 adults, who had separated from a spouse 3.8 months earlier on average, to three tasks. Two groups wrote about their feelings for 20 minutes on three days. The third wrote, without emotion, about how they spent their time. The whole sample improved over three months. But among people who scored high on rumination, the emotional-writing groups reported more separation-related distress than the control group, at three months and at about eight.

For people low in rumination the task made no difference. If you already circle the same questions for hours, a plain log of what you did today is closer to what the control group wrote.

Self-compassion in 109 divorcing adults

In a study by Sbarra, Smith and Mehl, divorcing adults (109 of them, per the abstract) talked for four minutes about their separation. Judges rated how much self-kindness, sense of shared humanity and emotional balance they heard. Higher ratings went with less divorce-related intrusion at the start, and the link "persisted up to 9 months later". Nobody was trained in anything, so this is a link, not a method, and the authors add "if our findings can be replicated".

Sleep, and the ten-week mark

Bad nights right after a separation are expected. In Krietsch, Mason and Sbarra's study of 138 recently separated adults, it was sleep complaints reported ten weeks or more after separation that predicted a later rise in resting systolic blood pressure. If yours has stayed poor past that point, mention it to a doctor.

What went with better adjustment in 208 divorced people

Wang and Amato studied 208 people who divorced during a 17-year longitudinal study. Adjustment was better with higher income, dating someone steadily, remarriage, having held favorable views of divorce beforehand, and having been the one who initiated it. Moving and losing friends mattered less than they expected. These are correlations, not a recipe.

Divorce grief without a funeral

Some of the ranking pages call divorce grief "disenfranchised": a loss with no ceremony, no casseroles and, sometimes, an audience that thinks you should be relieved. That is a description, not a measured finding. It may explain why healing after divorce can feel lonelier than mourning a death.

What studies of initiators and non-initiators found

In an Australian panel that started with 1,786 men and 2,068 women in first marriages, people whose partner initiated the separation scored lower on mental health scales soon afterward than people who initiated it themselves. On a scale of 0 to 100 the gap was about 5 points for men and 7 for women. The authors' summary: self-initiated and jointly initiated separations were "less severe" for health. Wang and Amato's study points the same way.

How to cope with divorce when you still love him, or her

About 70 searches a month are estimated for "how to cope with divorce when you still love him". Love does not end on the date of a decree. It helps to separate two questions: whether you still love them, and whether the marriage is still available. Only the second is settled. For the missing itself, see missing a husband or wife.

When you thought it could still be saved

You are not unusual. Among 2,484 divorcing parents surveyed after a required parenting class, about 1 in 4 held some belief that the marriage could still be saved. In only about 1 in 9 matched couples did both partners believe it.

Coping with divorce after a happy marriage

"Coping with divorce after a happy marriage" draws an estimated 1,000 searches a month. One study touches it. In a national US sample of 1,639 adults interviewed twice about ten years apart, women who had rated their marriages highly and then divorced reported the lowest later life satisfaction of the women compared. For men, marriage quality made no difference to the result. For the women in that sample, the end of a good marriage went with lower satisfaction later, which is a correlation. Hurting after a good marriage is not a flaw in how you are coping.

Why there are no win-them-back steps here

We found no tested method for changing a spouse's mind, and a campaign keeps your days organized around someone else's decision. What is known about reunions is under getting back together.

What has been counted, and what has not

The survey of 2,484 divorcing parents measured doubt during the process: about 1 in 4 thought the marriage could still be saved. Interest in reconciliation was far greater among those whose partner had initiated the divorce, and greater among men than women. We found no study that followed divorced adults for years and counted how many came to regret it, and we could not trace the percentages quoted on advice sites to a paper.

Regret, grief and missing: three different things

One ranking page asks whether grief means regret. It does not. Grief says something was lost. Missing says a person or a routine is absent. Regret is a judgment that the decision was wrong. You can grieve a marriage you were right to leave, and missing someone is no proof you should go back.

If you asked for it and now doubt it

In the German panel, satisfaction fell as the divorce approached and rose again afterward. Doubt near the bottom of that curve is judged from a low point; that is our reading, not a finding. A practical test: write down the three reasons you had on the day you decided, and ask whether any of them has changed.

"Do men regret it? Do women?"

The only sex difference we can source is the one above: divorcing fathers were more interested in reconciliation than divorcing mothers. Nothing we found measures regret years later by sex.

How common gray divorce is

Per the abstract of Brown and Lin's first paper, roughly 1 in 4 people who divorced in 2010 was 50 or older. Their 2022 update puts the share at 36%. The divorce rate fell as marriages got longer, so long marriages are the steadier ones. You are still not the only person your age doing this.

Divorce after 50 and after 60: about four years in one US panel

The Health and Retirement Study analysis by Lin, Brown, Wright and Hammersmith tracked a symptom questionnaire, not diagnoses. People who would divorce already scored higher before the split. Afterward, the authors write, "individuals do recover after gray divorce, but it takes about four years". Widowed people in the same panel took about eight. That is a group average, and the paper does not separate divorce after 60 from divorce after 50.

After 25 years of marriage: five patterns in 308 people

In the Swiss study (2015 abstract, 2016 abstract), what separated the groups was personality, time since separation, a new relationship and money. Age, gender and length of marriage "played a marginal role". In that Swiss sample, a longer marriage did not go with a worse outcome.

Divorce after 30 years of marriage, or 40: what is different day to day

We found no study limited to divorce after 30 years of marriage or to divorce after 40 years of marriage. What changes is practical: shared friends, adult children with opinions, holidays with a script decades old. In a US study of 930 people who divorced at 50 or older, having no contact with at least one adult child went with a heavier toll on mood.

How to rebuild life after divorce at 50

"How to rebuild life after divorce at 50" is typed into search an estimated 100 times a month. The Swiss and US findings suggest a short list: time, people, and something new that is yours. In Wang and Amato's sample, older individuals showed "some evidence of poorer adjustment" than younger ones.

How to be alone after divorce without waiting it out

Treat it as a skill with small parts. Eat at a table. Go to one place weekly where people know your name. In Leopold's West German data, discussed below, men reported more loneliness than women in the year of divorce; that gap narrowed over the following years, though men's increase stayed larger.

Who to lean on

One or two people who can listen without fixing. How to choose them is in our section on telling people and choosing who to lean on. If a friend wants to help and does not know how, send them our notes on supporting someone through a divorce.

How to find yourself after divorce: the self-concept studies

Sbarra's review lists "re-organizing one's fundamental sense of self" among the tasks of a divorce and puts the question as "Who am I without my partner?" In three studies by Slotter, Gardner and Finkel of breakups among undergraduates, bloggers and college freshmen (none sampled divorce), people's sense of who they were became less clear afterward, and that loss of clarity predicted distress. A workable start: list what you dropped during the marriage, and pick one item back up.

Friends: what a 12-year Dutch study saw

Terhell, Broese van Groenou and van Tilburg interviewed 40 men and 64 women who divorced in 1987 or 1988, three times over 12 years. Most lost network members shortly after the divorce, and in half the cases those losses were never made up. For some the network grew, later. It is a small Dutch sample from another era. Still: expect some friends to drift, and replace them on purpose.

Saying goodbye to in-laws after divorce

We found no study of what happens to in-law ties, though "saying goodbye to in-laws after divorce" is searched an estimated 70 times a month. Options people use: a note of thanks, a last coffee, or letting contact thin out. If they are your children's grandparents, you may not want a goodbye at all.

The house, in the emotional sense

Who keeps it is outside this page. How it feels is yours. If you stay, change one room early: move the bed, repaint a wall. If you leave, take photos first. Sorting shared belongings is covered under belongings, the apartment and shared accounts.

If you have children

This site is written for adults, so one paragraph only. Schedules and arrangements belong with a professional who knows your family, not on a web page. If you fear the other parent, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline first: 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.

Contact with a former spouse

With children or a home in common, some contact is unavoidable. Keeping it brief and practical is described under when full no contact is impossible. None of that applies if you are afraid of them: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (or text START to 88788) and see the safety contacts below.

When to take the ring off

Some people stop wearing it the day they separate; others wait for the decree. Neither says anything about how well you are coping.

What to do with an engagement ring after divorce

The query "what to do with engagement ring after divorce" runs at about 100 searches a month. Emotionally the choices match the wedding band. Whether it is yours to give away is a question for your attorney.

Is it bad luck to keep a wedding ring after divorce?

"Is it bad luck to keep wedding ring after divorce" is searched about 100 times a month. We know of no evidence that keeping a ring affects anything. The useful question is how you feel when you see it.

What to do with an old wedding dress after divorce

An estimated 200 searches a month ask "what to do with old wedding dress after divorce". If it was your mother's or is promised to a daughter, it belongs to more than the marriage, and storing it is reasonable.

Wedding photos

Boxing them keeps the choice open, for you and for any children of the marriage, without making you look at them.

Life after divorce for men

In Thomas Leopold's analysis, men took the bigger hit to satisfaction with life, and especially with family life, in the year of divorce. They also reported more loneliness that year. The satisfaction gaps vanished over the next years; the loneliness gap narrowed, but men's increase remained larger. If you came looking for how to cope with divorce as a man, the evidence supports no separate method: sleep, people and time, like anyone.

Life after divorce for women

Leopold's one lasting difference, in West Germany, was economic and is outside this page. On mood, health and friendships, women and men did not differ much within five years.

Are women happier after divorce? Are men?

It depends on the marriage that ended. In the MIDUS analysis by Bourassa, Sbarra and Whisman, US women whose very low-quality marriages ended reported the highest later life satisfaction among comparable women, and those whose good marriages ended the lowest. The study did not record who left, and it shows a correlation. In the Pew report, 54% of currently divorced or widowed women said they did not want to remarry, against 30% of men.

Life after divorce for men over 40

"Life after divorce for men over 40" draws about 100 searches a month. No study we found treats that group alone. The nearest are the later-life studies under long marriages and gray divorce.

How often do divorced couples get back together?

We could not trace a published count of divorced couples who remarry each other, and the figures quoted online led back to no paper we could open. The counts we did open, mostly about dating and cohabiting couples, are set out under how often exes get back together.

During the divorce itself

The survey of 2,484 divorcing parents is the closest thing to a number: both partners believed the marriage could be saved in about 1 in 9 couples, and both were interested in reconciliation services in 1 in 10. Nobody followed those couples to see what they did.

If both of you are thinking about it

Then it is a decision for two people, made slowly, ideally with a couples counselor in the room. The questions worth asking first are listed under deciding whether to try again.

This site is not therapy. Most people get through a divorce without any, and some should not try to.

Signs it is time to talk to a doctor or therapist

Your sleep or eating has been far from normal for several weeks. Alcohol has become the way evenings get done. Work, or the care of your children, is sliding. Sbarra's review also reports, from a national US study, that a later depressive episode after divorce was concentrated among people who had been through one before. If that is your history, see someone early. The difference between slow and stuck is drawn under taking long, or stuck.

Groups, counselors and other company

Ranking pages recommend divorce support groups and coaches. The same review says "few empirically-validated interventions exist" for divorcing adults, so judge by whether you feel better after going.

If your ex frightens or controls you

Then safety comes before every other topic on this page. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788; it is free, confidential and open 24/7. Advocates there can help you make a safety plan. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

What is known about timing

We found no study that sets a waiting period. In Wang and Amato's sample, dating someone steadily went with better adjustment, though people who feel better may simply date sooner. In the Swiss survey a new partner went with less loneliness only after the first two years. What we know about speed and second marriages is under new relationships after divorce.

A readiness check in one question

Could you describe your marriage to a new person in two calm minutes, without needing them to take your side? If not yet, nothing is lost by waiting. A longer list is under when to start dating again.